The Frustration of a Culture
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For those that have known me for decades, you’ve seen me go from a cocoon of a conservative Christian culture in Dallas, to a continuation of it in Chicago, to remaining in the community, but migrating towards the edge, not losing faith per se, but definitely changing inwardly. For those that have only known me in Chicago (still, nearing the ability to count in decades), you’ve seen me trying to balance my affinity for all things people-related, both negative and positive, and socially trying to meld to apparently clashing worlds. You more than likely have also seen and recognized profound changes in myself post-2004. For those who have only known me for a few years, you only know of my deep past if you’ve had more than a few conversations with me, or have said something random in relation to the Christian culture, or beliefs, or religion in general.
Here’s the deal: do my roots go deep in conservative Christian fundamentalism? Yes. But much of that has been uprooted either due to my diligence in parsing out the difference between what is written Biblically and what is written socially. In other words – I see more examples of dancing in the Bible than I do of anyone, such as Jesus, saying “Thou shalt not dance.” I see hundreds more verses discussing taking care of the poor than bombing the shit out of another country. To be succinct, since 2004 I have finally had the freedom of assessing my self, my beliefs, and my personal goals and desires without the obligation (whether perceived or real) of a religious super-structure or framework defining my boundaries.
To be frank, as long as my parents existed, whether it was right or wrong, I still felt an obligation to them as a person. There were topics I just did NOT discuss with them. And there were certain areas I never touched with them. I knew I was different than them, somewhat radically, and I knew that since it was, at times, a struggle staying on the same page as them withOUT bringing up those topics, I just left them be. So in a way, my presentation towards them was, many times, sanitized. Especially in the area of humor, wit, and innuendos. Obviously, since then, no such parents truly exist in my life to the degree that I feel any obligation to fit a particular perceived mold.
I am not who I am without my faith. But my faith is very personal these days, and unique to such a degree that, to those still entombed in the Christian culture of America, I come across as “the prodigal son” or “the lost soul”.
I am not lost. I know exactly where I am.
I am outside the confines of a culture that has become over-zealous in its pursuit of political clout, become just as American, selfish and self-serving as the groups and people and culture it professes to be against and it continues to be a source of great soberness, sadness, and frustration for me. For it is the culture of American Christianity that is the most oft discussed aspect as a turn-off to my friends to the entire idea of Christianity. And hell, it turns me off too, to the degree that I actually dislike the term “Christian” or “Christianity”.
I will never be a member of a church again. I will not work (paid position) for a church again. I do, indeed, play piano for a church, every two weeks. The best way I can explain that is personally, that’s what I’m supposed to be doing with my piano these days. That’s it. There has been no “heart-strings” being pulled, no inner conflict, no yearning to be a member, plug into a small group, or seek out a position on staff. Not at all. I play piano, I’m damn good at it, and at this point in time, one of its uses is to play on Sundays to help people find some peace in their chaotic lives.
And that’s what I’m about. People.
Whether it’s bringing a smile to my fellow laborers at work, or sharing a ciggie with a stranger who apparently needs one much more than I do, I’m about that personal relationship at that moment, for as long as it lasts. If the moment is a few exchanged words, and they leave encouraged, lighter in mood, or thinking about something new, then I’ve accomplished what I intended to do. And vice versa – I learn the darndest things at the most random times and I love it.
What good is this life without trying to assist one another and encourage one another at any moment in time, any given day of the year, regardless of our own personal shortcomings, foul ups, or self-criticisms? This life is too short to not consider every breath an opportunity to soak up what’s around us. That doesn’t mean I have to go see a play or a band or the opera every night of the week. That doesn’t even mean I need to schedule nights out with friends every night of the week. What it means is this: being where you are, when you are, and doing the best you can with it right then. That’s it. That simple.
I don’t need “Biblically-enhanced” legislation to make me do that. I don’t even need a small group, or any form of religious supervision to do anything that I do. What I need to do is remain open to possibilities, remembering to recognize the little things, and pounce on the big ones when they come along. And you know what?
It works. And it’s been the best way of living for me in an amazingly long time.
